well you can't waste a boner
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
