Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
