Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Even my vagina gasped.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You left your phone here
Wait...
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