Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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