I wish I could teleport
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize