hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
