I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
