The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
