Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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