I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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