Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
