im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
