you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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