what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
