sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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