took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
