I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
