Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
