bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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