$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
