stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I checked into jail on foursquare
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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