so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sorry my hands just texted you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
