Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can Purell be used as lube?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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