Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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