Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
