I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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