Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
