I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
