Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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