I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize