i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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