Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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