My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
