I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
