I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
