the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
