Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
