my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
