So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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