Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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