omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
