Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
