I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
