So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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