1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
as a side note pls kill me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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