How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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