You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
