everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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