So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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