True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
