Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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