I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
