i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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