I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
