I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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