I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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