I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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