Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
