One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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