Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
